the gopher

i have a gopher in my yard. i hate him.

of all the frustrating setbacks that come with home ownership, a gopher in the yard ranks up there in the top  five or so. this furry asshole can't seem to grasp the fact that this is my home and not his. i yell at him, "go away fuckin' gopher, i hate you." he doesnt go way. he waits until i go to sleep, then digs a hole to who knows where and leaves a heaping mound of excavated earth in some unsightly place. he once left a mound so big in my front yard that it overflowed into the street, and as luck would have it, my neighbor a few houses up decided to wash his car that day. needless to say, his seemingly harmless dirt pile became an impenetrable levee. though i've joked many times about how cool it would be to have a house with a moat, this isn't exactly what i had in mind. when he's not building an aquatic defense for my fortress, he just carries on digging holes and making baby mountains. it makes for a very interesting game of bocce ball, but even that doesn't make up for the eyesore. he even had the audacity to poke his head up one day while i was working on the car. naturally, i grabbed the jack handle, ran over, and prepared to splatter this fool once and for all. the fucker disappeared. i stood there, metal pipe in hand, waiting to play the adult version of whack-a-mole for fifteen minutes. nothing. and of course, on perfect cue, he pops his head back out as soon as i get back to work. though i didn't decide to waste anymore time on running over there, i must admit that there was a genuine moment that i thought about going into my house,  getting my gun, and making it rain hot lead in every direction for three square feet. i refrained, too noisy and i might jack up my sprinkler system. so yes, he's still there and my lawn is destroyed. at least i can reseed the lawn with a nicer looking grass come fall (thats how i justify my utter defeat).

i've gotten some tips: flood him out, use traps, smoke him out, poison him, it goes on and on. haven't tried the traps yet, but thats the next venture. until then, we shall continue our battle. though you may think that his size and blindness may give me some unfair advantage. you are mistaken. he has the luxury of time. when im at work, he digs. when i am asleep, he digs. when i am inside the house, he digs. if i am at the store, gym, or beach, that motherfucker is digging. when i'm blogging...... dammit!