citizens arrest

in a day and age where people can be found doing despicable things, people can also be found committing acts of greatness. with that said, there lies the possibility of moments, when the stars align, where both events can occur simultaneously in the same spot...

not-so-official guide to making a citizens arrest:

1. catch a fool slippin'- witness a crime in first person as its going down. base your decision as to whether or not a crime is taking place solely on what you see. leave all assumptions aside. sometimes righteousness looks shady and sometimes mischief looks kosher. visual fact; that can be your only resource.

2. pause for a reality check- ask yourself these simple questions before you make tomorrow's newspaper: is the crime big enough to warrant me getting involved? (don't go fuckin' batman status on somebody for littering), is anybody in danger? can this fool kick my ass? does this fool got some dudes playing lookout that will come kick my ass when i aint looking? how is this thing gonna play out when the fuzz arrives? if after all that, everything checks out, roll your sleeves up friend... its about to pop off.

3. say some outlandish shit to the perp in an attempt to stop him/her- "ay motherfucker, quit that shit!", "stop right there bitch!", "what the fuck you doin' asshole?!", or "break yo self foo!!" all can serve as great pleasantries to get mister or misses wrongdoer's attention when said in an authoritative tone. whatever you say, be creative and sound like a super hero. this is your chance to end the situation simply with words. tell baddy mcbadperson that they must stay until po-po gets there. since this probably wont work, prepare for the physical portion of the scenario...

4. detain your perp- the events in this process can range widely. foot pursuit. wrestling match. submission by the perp. submission by you. one hitter quitters. you getting shot. who knows? just remember to not use excessive force. again, do... not... use... excessive force. in this lawsuit crazy world, you don't wanna catch a case for trying to be the poster boy for street justice. in other words, don't use the  judo chop to the neck when the ankle kick will suffice. after you've used your physical prowess to subdue your bad guy/girl, pin them down. try to stay away from makeshift restraints; once again- lawsuits.

5. hit up the boys in blue- use the celly or tell a witness to call the local authorities. keep your villain pinned until the mustached officer arrives. on average it should take them as long as it takes to get to the local winchell's from your current location for them to arrive. be prepared to tell the cops everything that went down and keep it strictly to the facts. avoid asking the officer if he knows that he smells of coffee and has raspberry preserves on his lapel. he knows.

6. begin your legend- have your crew over for beers and tell them a ridiculously inflated version of your good deed. post it on facebook. tweet it. make a webpage. hire one of those message writing planes. tell the ladies at the bar. write a book. soak up the recognition dear friend... you deserve it.


kinda sorta disclaimer:
im not a lawyer or a cop. i don't even like cops. i don't know any lawyers, but i probably wouldn't like them if i did. either way, they probably wouldn't condone the actions mentioned in this post even though i did do a few minutes of research on the subject. but hey, if its your day to be a hero...