hiccups

ahhhh yes, the inevitable nuisance which we are all, at some point, affected by. no matter what your personal belief is in the matter of human creation, i can tell you this: they or it did pretty good overall, but in the area of useless human body tendencies they definitely botched it. there is no other bodily glitch quite as useless and annoying. at least with the "out of nowhere eye-twitch", you can use it for entertainment or comedic value. "dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, check it out...... my left eye is twitching like crazy. do you see it? can you see it? there it goes again. did you see it?" and we all get a laugh and say our twitchy-eyed friend is gross. the raising of the hair on the arms or the back of the neck, also seemingly useless. for what it's worth though, after trending the occurrences you can use these moments to gauge how good someone sings, whether or not you're cold, or how bad you have to take a crap. hiccups on the other hand, hold zero value. that is of course, unless you enjoy being pointlessly interrupted and being viewed by others as a floundering baby seal. hiccups suck. pun slightly intended.

even the so called "cures" for hiccups are a bit punishing. hold your breath- okay? so when do i breathe again? before or after i pass out? drink a lot of water- im not thirsty and we still have a thirty minute car ride home. eat a spoonful of sugar- diabetes runs in my family you ass. have a friend scare you- one; if i know someone is gonna scare me i wont get scared. two; if you succeed in scaring me, i just may punch you. so i'm free of hiccups, but now i have to deal with a troubled friendship. just great. the remedies are never enticing. you never hear "oh, you have the hiccups? get a massage" or "hiccups eh? have you tried going down a waterslide?"regardless, even if the road to hiccup freedom is rough, do as you must. there's nothing more disturbing than the person who chooses to carry on with their conversation, even in the presence of an audible diaphragm blast every three words. not only is it rude, its super weird.

although the chances of the hiccup pill (or better yet, spray) ever being produced are slim to none, we can still dream. and until that day comes we will continue to see the hiccup be the cause for unintentional fragmented sentences, spilled coffee, awkward body jerks, and maybe even sharts. death to the hiccups.